For the Ocean
by hippiechick2112
Summary: Death saw that Hawkeye always held onto the ocean as his anchor. It was an innocent notion at first. But as Hawkeye grew and eventually spent three years in Korea, the meaning for this cleansing soon changed. Part thirteen in the series "After My War".


**For the Ocean**

 **Note and Disclaimer: _M*A*S*H_ is owned by someone, but never me. Enjoy this next part in "After My War".**

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Prankster, manipulator, womanizer, drinker and humanitarian. These are the best labels that define Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce in the years he spent in Korea. I knew it was a defense mechanism. He was also always finding some cause that enabled him to move forward if he was not watching the nurses wash their underwear or finding time to get drunk. He could not operate and face death if he didn't have _some_ distraction.

I guess his childhood defined him deeply. He wasn't always the obnoxious pain in the ass. Once upon a time, Hawkeye was a child like any other. He was a doting brother and a dutiful son. Life had been so perfect in the seaside town he resided in with his parents and younger sister and friends.

Then, it all came crashing down when he was ten years old. Within a matter of days, he lost his mother and sister to an epidemic. He and his father barely survived it. When the storm was over, they looked over the wreckage and saw that they only had each other and the ocean. While dear old Daniel Pierce wasn't always there to protect him, Hawkeye had to hold onto the image of that water, crashing down on the sand over and over again.

And that was what he had to hold onto to when there was nothing else – the oceans of Crabapple Cove. It was a constant in his life, when nothing went right. When he went to medical school in Boston, those pictures could not get out of his head. When his relationships soured (they usually did), seeing that ocean was a balm to his soul. He sought to swim in it, to wash away the soil of his past, and remain attached to the water forever.

That was why Hawkeye returned to Crabapple Cove. He was most comforted and home there, in a place where sin and dirt did not exist. It all came to an end too soon. Hawkeye was quickly drafted and went through basic training with nothing more than a twinkle in his eye. He was not far from home. He could visit when it was allowed. But that did not last long either. Because of a shortage of Army doctors, he was shipped out to Korea.

And that was where then nightmares began. Hawkeye was so scared that he forgot his chief relief. Fighting death had been such a priority that the ocean faded away to almost nothing. He did not know who to trust or where to turn to at his station, the 72nd Evac. Korea had been a field of uncertainty and he did not relish having to face the bullets, blood and bombs alone.

Once everything settled down and he established a routine, the crying and listlessness ceased. He befriended everybody he saw and pranked the rest of them, even at the 4077th. He found ways to entertain himself, either from causes he found worthy or bypassing Army procedures. It was an unusual time and Hawkeye tried finding the bright side in every situation.

Through it all, Hawkeye always reminded himself of that ocean. He tried recalling those feelings before he knew of Korea. Even acting like a teenager in heat, he no longer could return to that safe environment. It was no use. He was dead inside.

Eventually, Hawkeye held onto that notion differently and used it to remind himself that he was no longer innocent. He was in a war that washed him with responsibility, shame and guilt. He was a wheel in the Army machine, forced to work in conditions worse than he imagined. The ocean of his childhood could not rinse that away.

He knew that it would take more than time to heal him because of his long tenure and harsh slaps dealt. Three years in Korea was not the way he wished to put as career experience. He should have left within six months or a year. Many doctors did. But many also were lucky or dead. He was neither of them, bowed down to the heavy weight of war.

Eventually, he broke. It wasn't towards the end of the war though. In a few short weeks, he was back on his feet, but doubting himself worse than ever. He was drowning in his own misery. The call to armistice did not even awake a sense of relief. He was wrecked, cast ashore without direction. The ocean had exiled him to an island without recovery.

After his war, Hawkeye went home to Crabapple Cove. Nothing held much interest to him anymore, not even women. As time passed though, his hunger grew. He threw away the grey clouds that plagued him and walked back to the ocean. It was still there, but as dangerous as ever. It no longer held the same appeal.

For Hawkeye, water could not take away the great pain he would bear until his last living day. Nobody could understand it, not even his father. But the joy he felt when reuniting with his friends from the 4077th brought back the simple things before Korea. Slowly, they all brought each other a piece of their old lives back to each other. Hawkeye will soon be reunited with his beloved ocean. He just needed to remember.

I am Death though…and there is always a way to me. Hawkeye Piece escaped me in war through his hatred, even in the depths of his despair. He has many choices though. The ocean may have left him alone, but it will be his will alone that determined his fate. No man could walk through his life drowning and he could take it or swim in it.


End file.
